The Kevlar Files - Episode 1
Archived By David Kibrick (kiburi-san)
Note: These files contian the the original text of these messages,
complete with the original spelling (and misspelling), so don't blame me
for any mistakes that you find.
The Third Day (6/13/99 - 7/8/99): Confusions
Contents: Teri surprises KS at his new job, Montresor has an altercation with the rent-a-cops,
The horror of the washing strike is revealed, Montresor takes on a SWAT team,
Pleanty embarks on a new mission, Kiburi-san dukes it out with Grillactus, the barbecuer of worlds
82 (continued). She went to sleep, and went to school in
the morning. Seeing him in the hall, she approached him. "Hey, hows
it going, Kiburi?"
Oh shit, he thought. I forgot all about it. "Uh, hey Teri. Sorry I
didn't call or anything yesterday. Something came up. I've got to do
something this afternoon. but it shouldn't go TOO late. Maybe I'll
call afterwards?" he asked, really nervous. Obviously nervous.
Teri noticed that he was nervous, but ignored it. It was obviously his
first time asking. "Maybe." she said, smiling.
Teri got in her Jeep, and went to the mall after stopping at home.
Arriving at the mall around 4:25, she went to Victoria's Secret to
replace the panties destroyed in the tug-of-war between herself and
Montresor. Upon entering, she saw Kiburi-san among the racks of bras
near the back. Well, it's obviously not something for me, she thought.
As far as I know, he doesn't know my size. What could he possibly be
doing here? She walked over, unnoticed. "Can I help you with
anything? she asked him from behind. He nearly pissed his pants.
83. Taiwan bounded around...He was scared.Ryu dissapeared after that whole
Montressor thing.One mintue he's getting his shirt ripped off and
poof.The
next he was gone.He had been missing for a whole day now, which was
unlike
him totally. Taiwan
thought
to himself.
He bounded around through the halls of the school.But that school day,
Ryu
did not show.Taiwan had to go to court and claim all of his
grandfather's
inheritance for him, and then lug it back to their Hovel in the school
basment byhimself.His fear grew more and more.
He began to bound through the halls and the city streets of Oshiba
crying
his foamy rubber eyes out while calling out.."Master!..(sniffle) Where
Are
You Master! (sniff) Come Home Master! Come Home! (sniffle)" but Ryu
never
showed.Ryu was nowhere to be seen.He had dissapeared without a
trace....Where was he?
84. Sally was exhausted. He had run all over the place looking Kiburi(even
missed him at his house) and was tired and wanted an ice cream. He
headed to
the mall and looked at Victoria's secret wistfully.
"Should I?",Sally asked himself, biting his lip. "Oh what the heck!"
Sally headed in with the towels thrown over his shoulder and headed in
wondering what to buy and nearly fell when she saw who was there.
Kiburi was
standing as still as a statue and red as a beet as a familiar camo clad
girl
was satnding behind him asking questions.
Sally took a moment to get a running start, and flew at Kiburi.
Kiburi-san
turned as Sally plunged his fist with the towel in it through Kiburi's
ear
and out the other and began scrubbing back and forth with the towel.
"Face the power of the Washing Strike!", Sally squeaked in aloud high
pitched voice. Mr.Miagi came out from around a corner and began
explaining.
"The Washing Strike is an ancient technique that actually washes the
mind
clean of thought. The women of Sally's clan were the only ones able to
do it
because the men's arms were so thick they would usually just smash the
brain
and kill the person. Sally's feminine physique allows him to perform
the
manuever without flaw. Now practice Crane Kick!", he said hitting a 6
foot
tall bipedal grasshopper on the head.
Sally jumped away after a few scrubs and began running. Teri started
shooting at him, but missed as Sally jumped. Montresor was hit by the
blast
intended for Sally. Sally jumped at Montresor and wrapped him in the
other
towel he had been carrying.
"Mffmmfuuffermyyylllmiilllyoouu", Montresor attempted to say.Sally
ignored
Montresors fowl language and kept running. She ran to Radio Shack and
asked
for a refund on her remote control toy, because it was swearing.
"*&^()@%^#^@!!", Montresor said as his head peeked up from under the
towel.
Ther store said that they would take him back. Sally quickly thanked
them
and ran out the door.
Meanwhile, back at the store, Teri was helping Kiburi to his feet and
asked
if he was okay.
"Yes I am... where am i and what am i doing here teri?", Kiburi asked
scratching his head. The memory of Sally's secret had been successfully
removed.
85. Kiburi-san got unsteadily to his feet. His head
felt strangely... well, he couldn't quite place it.
It was as if he had been thinking of something, but
before he could sya it, it had dissapeared from his
mind forever.
Well, at least he recognized Teri. Unfortunately, he
then remembered the situation. Trying desperately, as
ever, to regain his composure, he looked up and
stammered
"Um, uh, um, can I, uh, help you, miss?"
"You work here?" Teri asked incredulously.
"Well, um, uh, yeah, uh..."
Suddenly from across the mall, the familiar ring of
automatic weapons fire emanated from a small store,
acoompanied by a string of curse wrods that had every
parent in the mall reaching to cover their children's
ears.
"Oh, shit! That's got to be Montresor!" Jumping to
his feet with a newfound confidence, Kiburi-san looked
up as the shining metal robot zoomed to his side, one
arm menacing a group of security guards with an AK-47.
"Montresor, what the hell are you doing?" Kiburi-san
yelled.
"Those *^$%# Radio shack ^%@!&$^@&s tried to *(#&%)
take me apart with *&%#*&% screwdrivers! I
practically had to eviscerate those (*^&ing &@^#%!$s
to escape!"
"Will you stop swearing and put that thing away, you
moron?"
"Well, I'm trying to find a replacement for the
panties Montresor stole," Teri tried to interject.
"Gimme that assault rifle, you moron!"
"No way! They'll turn me into scrap metal if I do!"
"Well, you should have though of that before you
eviscerated people!"
"I didn't really! I just, uh, stunned 'em a bit!"
At that moment, four men clad in body armor and
carrying AR-10s rounded the corner and locked their
sights on Montresor.
"SWAT team! Give it up!"
Acting quickly, Montresor turned the gun on Teri.
"Back off! I've got a hostage!"
"You F***ing metal B******!" Kiburi-san screamed,
yanking his beretta and pointing it at the robot.
"I'll shoot your circuits apart for trying that with
my girlfriend!"
"Girlfriend?" Teri asked, trying to flinch away from
the assault rifle pointed at her head.
"Oops..." Kiburi-san said.
86. Kiburi-san had taken about eight steps back towrds
the door when the SWAT tean surrounded him. After
laying Montresor out with and EMP taser, one of the
policemen leveled his assault rifle at Kiburi-san's
head.
"Is this your robot, son?"
"No. It's a reject that I'm trying to sell bacvk to
Circuit Circus.
"Hey! You're a (*&$%#^ing lousy master!" Montresor
yelled from the ground.
"I thought you were deactivated," Kiburi-san said,
looking down at the robot.
"Yeah, right. I installed extra capacitors to collect
the energy after you threatened me."
"But we don't even sell that type of robot..." One of
the CC clowns mumbled.
"We'll take it from here." One of the SWAT officers,
grabbed at Montresor, only to be shocked into
unconsciousness as Montresor released ther energy of
the EMP blast back through him.
"Serves you right, you b#@&$@^."
"So, uh, teri, you wanted some... ?"
"Yeah. C'mon, let's go inside."
Kiburi-san watched the SWAT team try to contain
Montresor as Teri dragged him into the store.
87. "I hope th-these are okay..." A rather red-faced
Kiburi-san handed a pair of scarlet-colored panties to
Teri.
"Are you all right?" Teri asked. "You look likie
you're about to faint."
"Um, n-no, I'm f-fine..."
Montresor rushed by in a hail of bullets, followed by
a squad of pissed looking SWAT soldiers.
"Ooh! Panties!" Montresor started to go nuts, trying
to stick its mettalic almost-face into them.
"Stop it, Montresor! You're worse thatn Happosai! Do
you want me to lose my job?"
Montresor stopped, said "Oh... sorry, master," and was
tackeld by the entire SWAT team, one of which held an
EMP taser against Montresor's casing.
"JUST GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON TO PUSH THIS BUTTON!"
the soldier yelled.
"okay, okay, I give up." Montresor went limp, and the
SWAT team carted him away.
By this time, Teri had returned from the dressing
room.
"These ones are fine, thanks," she said.
"Okay..."
Realizing that it was now or never (which it really
wasn't but Kiburi-san was to nervous to tell),
Kiburi-san dug up his last reserves of strength,
turned to Teri, and with an exaggerated grin on his
face, said:
"So, you wanna go out tonight?"
And, as Teri was abouyt to reply, the stress finally
overwhelmed Kiburi-san, who collapsed into a chair,
his eyes spinning around in their sockets and the grin
still plastered across his face.
88. Mrs. Moore walked rushed up the stairs and opened Pleanty's door, and
turned on the overhead lights. "Pleanty, honey you have to save the
world from world domination." Mrs. Moore said very urgently.
Pleanty turned on her bedside lamp and got up. When she did she
realized all she had on was a bra and underware, but she figured what
the hell! 'Mom's seen me naked' (ooc: to quash any of you perverts out
there I am referting to when you are born!!!)"What is it mother?"
Pleanty asked.
"I told you you have to save the world from world domination." Mrs.
Moore said.
Pleanty looked at her school books, then at her ppk, then at her last
report card, and back at mother. "I have a JSL test tommorow. I don't
want to spend a long time saving the world from domination."
Mrs. Moore smiled, "so that means at least you'll try?"
Pleanty grabed a black leather jumpsuit and put it on (eg the first
Austin Powers movie...Miss Kensington wore one of these). She picked
up her ppk. "Mother, can I go into the armory....I have a feeling my
walther won't do it."
"Sure honey...come on now let's go. Father already put the briefing
into your car's DVD drive." Mrs. Moore then ran down the stairs.
Pleanty followed her but at a slower pace.
When Pleanty reached the armory, she keyed in her access code and
walked in. The armory was small space wise..but it had a lot of stuff.
Pleanty grabed a long barreled 6 shooter, and a grenade launcher.
Then she ran to the car.
Pleanty put the guns in the trunk, and got in the car. She drove away.
Pleanty hit play on the DVD.
'Pleanty...Sideshow Powers is at it again....He has hijacked a tanker
ship that is carrying 12,000 self sealing stimbolts! With that many
stimbolts he can take over the world!!!...I don't quite know how he would do it...but it could
help him take over the world. Ah I
found it! These stimbolts are ex Soviet..therefore they must be really
dangerous, or a peice of crap! Go Pleanty and stop Sideshow Powers.'
Pleanty shut off the DVD drive. She drove to the harbor. Specificly
the harbormaster's control tower. Pleanty just had her ppk on her.
Pleanty walked up the stairs to the door. She knocked on the door.
Pleanty was trying to think of the simple reply to that question,
Her Japanese wasn't all that good. She
started to hear laughter in the building. "Okay that's it pal...if you
don't let me in right now...I'm going to make you sing god save the
queen from your ass!" Pleanty didn't know if that threat made any
sense but if they can't speek english...Who gives a fuck? Pleanty
pulled out her ppk and shot at the edge of the door. She of course had
her silencer on. The door swong open. She walked on in.
There were two men in the control tower. Both were very pleased to see
Pleanty. One of them spoke in English. "So you repair Peniuses? How?
Do you have sex with the man and send in tiny nanobots while--" Before
he could finnish Pleanty socked him accross his face.
"Listen lads, I'm looking for a ship that is carrying a lot of self
sealing stimbolts!" Pleanty yelled.
Then other man turned around and looked at his computer screen.
Pleanty managed to understand that and nodded her head.
"" Pleanty turned and ran down the stairs
and into her Volante, driving off to the freeway.......
89. [somewhere over tokyo]
[Sound of helicopters in distance]
[Montresor enters, holding an AK-47]
[voice amplified my megaphone] Police: Freeze!
Montresor: You can't make me, you lousy pigs!
Police: This is the police! Throw down your weapons!
Montresor: Burn in hell, creeps! [fires AK-47]
Police: Get 'im! [sound of rifles]
Montresor: You'll never take me alive! [extracts
rocket launcher from body]
Police: Oh, shit! Evasive action! Evasive-
[Montresor fires rocket launcher]
Montresor: Eat this, coppers!
[sound of explosion]
[Montresor flies off into the distance]
IC: Kiburi-san somehow remembered how to work the
machine to sell Teri her underwear. Luckily, by that
time, the store was beginning to close.
"Can I give you a ride?" Kiburi-san asked Teri.
"Sure," she replied.
And so the two soon found themselves staring at
Kiburi-san's beat-up flying saucer.
"I know it's not much, but-"
"It's fine. C'mon." Teri dragged the partially
stunned Kiburi-san into the dillapidated vehicle.
"Mills army base," Kiburi-san muttered into the
autopilot.
90. (between Kiburi's most recent posts) After Kiburi-san regained
conciousness, teri said, "Sure. Where and what time?"
"I'm not sure...I just sorta...decided to...well, it wasn't really
planned." he said, sort of dazed.
"Ooh, that's pretty cool."
"I'll decide before we part today."
91. Smiling broadly, Sally was quite pleased with himself. His plans back
on
track, he didn't even mind that his ancestor was hovering over his
shoulder
and shouting.
"What kind of freak are you. If I had performed that maneuver I would
have
knocked his brain out through his other ear! I thought i would have
been
able to trick you into killing him and regaining some honor.....", the
spectre prattled. Sally just looked up a the sky happy, taking a quick
glimpse at the sun that was.... slowly being blotted out?
Sally began to run as a barbecue grill the size of your average stadium
landed in the middle of the road. A gigantic 50 ft. chef clad in purple
armor and an aprin that say's 'Kiss the Cosmic Cook' with two large
cooking
tongs sticking out of his head landed next to it with a small silver
man
riding a spatula flying around his head. A gigantic picnic table
assembled
itself from parts that came out of the giant barbecue.
"BEHOLD! FOR I AM GRILLACTUS, BARBECUER OF WORLDS!", the immense chef
announced in a booming voice. Throwing a blue whale on the barby, asks
"Anyone hungry?".
92. Kiburi-san looked over at Teri, sitting in the
passenger seat of the flying saucer. he thought. Fumbling with the steering wheel, he turned to
Teri, and was about to say something overly romantic
and stupid when he suddenly saw a giant purple thing
loom up in his viewscreen.
"YAAH!" Kiburi-san yelled, throwing the saucer into an
uncontrolled spin and crashing bodily into an office
building across the street. A few seconds later, he
dragged himself dazedly out of the vehicle to find
himself staring up at a giant purple chef. Deciding
that this didn't make the least bit of sense, he went
back over to his smashed-up saucer to find the
appropriate antitank weapon.
"Urg," Teri groaned as she pulled herself from the
wreckage.
"Die, you mettalic bastard!" Montresor screamed,
flying in and madly attacking the chef with his AK-47.
"ARRGH!" yelled the chef, smashing Montresor against
the same office building, and then turning back,
annoyed, to his work.
93. Teri pulled herself out of the wreckage, and rummaged through her
backpack, where she had a disassambled M-16, which was assembled in
under 10 seconds. She looked for any way to cover Kiburi, and then
realized that she had better keep an eye on her bag. Her new purchase
was in there, and montresor was present. It was then that she realized
she should offer Kiburi a ride to work tomorrow, after he wrecked his
saucer.
94. Kiburi-san looked menacingly at the giant barbecue
looming over him. Then, turning to the giant armored
monolith with the chef's cap, he yelled:
"You smashed my saucer!"
"No, I didn't, you incompetent!" The armored chef
yelled in a robotic monotone. "You crashed it into
the wall yourself, fair and square."
"I wouldn't have crashed if your stupid barbecue grill
hadn't been in the middle of the road!"
"Silence, human!" The giant chef roared.
Kiburi-san couldn't take it any longer.
"All right, you giant purple hunk a junk, I challenge
you!"
"Oh, you do, eh? Then choose your weapon!"
In response, Kiburi-san pulled from his belt a strange
plastic-and-chrome apparatus.
"What the heck's that?" the chef asked.
"As seen on TV, it's the one and only RocketChef! It
slices, dices, minces, grates, shreds, pulverizes,
atomizes, chops, blends, and thanks to this nifty gear
reduction mechanism, reqpires no outside power
whatsoever, aside from this sturdy reinforced hand
crank! And besides which, it comes with a free set of
Ginzu knives."
"Fine, then!" The chef withdrew his metal
meat-flipping spatula from the briquetes in the grill.
The tip of it was red-hot. "So be it. Only one of
us will leave this intersection alive."
"Sounds good to me. Can you hold on a second while I
change blades? I need to change to the pulverizer
attachment, and they don't exactly ship these things
with instruction manuals."
"The fight begins now!" The chef responded, slamming
the spatula down inches away from Kiburi-san's head.
"All right, robo-boy, you asked for it." Kiburi-san
finished switching attachments and leveled the
RocketChef at the armored chef's head.
"You're right. The fight does begin now." Kiburi-san
began to crank the RocketChef.
End of day 3?
Day 1 Day 2 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6